Friday, July 30, 2010

change of pace...

I have a new blog, primarily because there was some setting that wasn't allowing me to change the design of this one. Lame, I know, but nevertheless.....

anyway, I'm hoping to be blogging more frequently and just keep this one as an archive of my past posts. you can find my new blog here:


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

a few things, in brief:

I really want a job at Stephans College as the custodian. It's actually a little crazy how much I want this job.

I also want to have a baby. I want to start having kids in the next two years.

Caleb is starting his internship with our church, Karis, in about a month. There is a time crunch on us raising support to replace his income, but I'm also excited about it.

I'm really loving living in this city. I love how invested we have been. I feel God really growing and challenging us.

Also, I'm excited about joining a roller derby team with my friend, Val. We will be awesome.

That's all folks.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am very ready to not be working at walmart and not be working nights. I'm praying a new job opens up for me.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Our current CoMo lives...

We are at last beginning to settle into our new apartment in Columbia. It's been a long and busy month, but we are already beginning to see the rewards. Our new apartment is comfy, smaller than the last, but definitely more homey. We are very thankful to have it. So far, living in Columbia has felt very natural. We definitely have Karis, our church, to thank for a lot of this. They have set before us such a Biblical vision, that it's hard to forget our purpose in what we are doing here. They are really good at getting us involved, and that's good, because my shyness sometimes keeps me from this.

We are getting adjusted to the work situation. We have been blessed with bike riding friends that don't need their car, so Caleb has been borrowing it to go to Moberly for work. It's a station wagon, so it has also helped in bringing a handful of carloads of belongings to our new place. I have been working at Walmart still, as I've transferred to the one here. I'm still not a huge fan of the company, but I will say that this store is a million times better than the last. I say this because the management is awesome. They seem to really care and will go out of their way to help and accommodate their employees--something the Moberly Walmart never seemed to do. In fact, the manager who transfered me told me that when he called them to do the transfer, they were incredibly uncooperative and wouldn't take his calls and wouldn't give him information. He ended up calling me directly after a few failed attempts at working with them and asked if I'd like the job. He has since been amazingly helpful, offering me as many hours as I need, and consistently too, and not stepping out of the time frame of my availability. He is also transferring me back to the deli (as I'm in frozen/dairy) with these aspects in mind too. This is great because I need the assurance of a steady paycheck and also appropriate availability for my other job. I am also working for a company called HomeInstead, which is non-medical senior care. Right now I have a wonderful client who I get to visit, clean, cook, transport, etc., along with ensuring his safety and stability (as he is a wobbly walker, and usually stays in his wheelchair). We've been watching old westerns together and talking about the good ol' days. It's been so fun and I'm so thankful that since I had to have a second job for extra income it's one that is so rewarding.

The free time that I can find (this past week I worked about 55 hours) I try to spend with my husband, of course, and also friends, and being involved with Karis. Yesterday was especially fun. After spending time with my client and running over to Moberly to get a carload of stuff, Caleb and I joined up with our c-group (our Bible study group, the "c" is for community) for a project that has been ongoing since the beginning of May. We've been going to a neighborhood park, bringing hotdogs and other food and kickballs and crafts, and hanging out with the hopes of reaching out to the neighborhood kids. It's been so fun and I've been loving getting to know the kids and their families. The Lord has been good to us and I know he's bringing them back every time we do it. There's consistently about 15 of them, but sometimes more show up. And it's been really good for the c-group as well, as we come together with purpose and focus, with mission in mind. And although, I don't know that my kickball skills have improved any, my bouncy-ball volleyball just might be.

After hanging out with the kids, Caleb and I were incredibly sweaty and stinky, especially since we were already this way from moving things to the apartment. Our apartment has a small pool that not many seem to use, so we decided to go for a swim to cool us down. When we got there there happened to be a few people our age (or a little older) cooling down as well.. We got to talking to them. Two of them, Angela and Mike, live at the complex, and one, Ian, lived a block away. They were all really friendly and funny and I'm so glad that we got to meet them. After asking what their hobbies were, Angela said that they are all interested in roller derby. She has been doing it since October and she's just above "beginner" status, but she loves it. She's invited me to join the beginner group, which actually sounds like a ton of fun. So, you never know, I may be on a roller derby team in the future...

Anyway, that is what has been going on lately in our lives. I'm pretty excited to see all that God is doing and the opportunities he's presenting us with.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I feel a little overwhelmed. We are moving in less than a month. We have to pack everything and get it to Columbia, hopefully with the help of friends. I also need a job. Thankfully I have a transfer to the Walmart in Columbia that will sustain us til something better comes along--only I haven't heard any further news on the progress of that transfer. I'm a little nervous about it. I also have an interview tomorrow for HomeInstead, an elderly care company. I think I'm nervous in general. I know God is going to take care of us, it's just sometimes I really want to know how.

Really that's it. I want to know how. I'm trying to be patient and I know I'll need all the help God can provide for me. I know He wants me to take rest in him, to lay my burdens before Him. I know I can't do all of this life stuff on my own. So I'm trying to breathe. And pray.

In unrelated news, I'm in desperate need of a haircut.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

First Aid Kit

Go to and look up First Aid Kit.
Listen to their music.
Like them.
That is all.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


My house smells like an Indian restaurant. Last night I made curried lentil soup, a recipe I've been perfecting, garlic naan bread and saag. It was absolutely delicious.

That's really all I had to say.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Death of Mr. Damon

This is an article from the Historical Society about "Bloody" Bill Anderson. I think it's interesting who their journalism had a lot more elements of story-telling. The language is more colorful and really...when I read this I felt like I was in 1862 taking part in the times:

"About four AM on the 15th, a band under Bill Anderson entered Huntsville. They came in on the Keytesville road, those in advance having Federal coats. They road in quietly and proceeded to picket the town. They went to the hotel, arrested the landlord and demanded the travelers stopping with him. There was but one -- Mr. George Damon, of the firm of E.A. Damon & Co., of St. Louis. They asked to be shown his room, and following the landlord, they demanded entrance at his door. Mr. Damon opened the door, when they rushed in and placing their pistols at his head, demanded his arms and money. These he surrendered. They then told him to go with them as prisoner. He went with them to the store of Mr. S.T. Morehead in front of which a portion of the gang were breaking open the safe of the County Treasury, which they had pulled out on the side walk. He had on a belt with a U.S. buckle, and they accused him of being a Federal officer and repeatedly threatened to shoot him. While the work of breaking the safe was going on, Mr. Damon, against the entreaties of his fellow prisoners, attempted to escape. He ran to Coate's corner and turned down the plank road, when Anderson (who was on horseback) wheeled and fired on him; others ran to the corner and fired, saying, "Now, d--n you, stand when we tell you." Mr. Damon fell at the first fire but recovering, ran around the houses on the opposite side of the street attempting to gain the rear of the hotel. Anderson followed, and as Mr. Damon was climbing the fence, shot again, inflicting a wound that proved fatal. Mr. D. fell into the yard calling for water. Mr. Sauvinet, the landlord started to minister to the dying man when he was confronted by Anderson who said, "If you don't go away and let that man alone, I'll shoot you." Mr. D. succeeded in crawling into the dining room when some citizens went to the "captain" and asked permission to call a physician to the wounded man. His only reply was, "Is he still alive?" and turning to two of his men, he said, "go and finish him!" Two men then went to the hotel when Mrs. Sauvinet, the landlady, implored them not to shoot him anymore, assuring them that he would die of his wounds. "Shoot!" he said, "why, we would shoot Jesus Christ or God Almighty if he ran from us" Seeing no signs of life in the bleeding body which lay before them, one of them put his head down to the breast of the dying man, but the heart had ceased to beat and life was gone. Seeing a ring on the finger of the corpse, the guerrilla removed it and placed it on his own.

During all this time the work of robbery went on. The clerks in some of the stores had been sleeping on their arms in anticipation of a raid, but these fellows were not only in the stores but in one instance were upstairs before the inmates were aroused. When they entered they promptly demanded the safe keys, abused the clerks and in one or two instances, struck them on their heads with pistols. After two hours in this place the scoundrels left on the Renick road. They stopped at the house of Mr. Joel Smith, some six miles south, from whom they took one or two horses. One struck the old gentleman on the head with his pistol, hurting him seriously. They left for Warfield's store. A company of Federal troops was sent from Sturgeon in pursuit, but we have no intelligible account of what was done.

The characteristic of this band was the studied method of their madness--their discipline. The commander placed and relieved sentinels at a distance of two hundred yards by a simple wave of the hand, which seemed as perfectly understood and obeyed as the gestures of the actors in a pantomime upon the stage. Their almost total abstinence from liquor was a subject of remark by all. Two of them indulged in a glass of liquor, while the others took lemonade.

Anderson lived in this place when he was a boy and showed some favors to one or two of his old schoolmates whom he recognized. His father, who was very poor, removed to California at an early day, and some of the men who befriended the father when he left here were repaid by the son by being robbed of thousands of dollars. He says his father returned from California to Kansas where he was murdered. He said that he was a captain under Quantrill, who is at present sick on the south side of the river. His men are principally from Jackson County, and are veteran scoundrels, the most of them having participated in the sacking and burning of Lawrence. They were the best armed men we have seen during the war, some of their belts swinging as high as eight navy revolvers, while the most of them were provided with revolving rifles. Although they pretended to be confederate soldiers while here, yet they made no distinction between parties --all men who had money sharing alike.


Everything is happening a lot faster than I had expected. But in good ways.

Caleb and I have been submitting ourselves more and more to God, which is only making us more aware of how well he actually takes care of us. Over the past two months we have been going to church in Columbia, which has been a major blessing. Our church is very missional focused and community oriented and we've already been thrown into fellowship, service, confession and worship. It has been wonderful. It's been a long time since I've really been mentored and challenged and I believe Caleb feels the same way. I know that God is using this time to train us up for his use, in whatever the future is going to hold for us, and I'm excited and willing to follow this path wherever it is taking us.

Which aparently is to Columbia (for now). Caleb has 1-2 years left of school in Moberly, which he is committed to finishing. We had already planned/thought of staying in Columbia to pay off student loans and figure out what was next for us. Columbia is affordable, has more job oppertunities, close to friends, drivable distance of Caleb's family and familiar enough for mine (Phoenix is out of our budget and far from his family). We assumed a move would be in order when he graduated. But then we found our church, Karis, and our hearts have been growing heavy with a longing to be invested in the church and the community it was serving and reaching. Some friends of ours are moving from Moberly to Columbia for the same reason and we thought that maybe after or during this next school year, we could move too.

Walmart for the past month and a half has cut my hours so that each pay check is $100 less than usual ($200 less a month). My job at the historical society has become extra spending money, considering I may only work there for 8hrs out of the entire month, and Caleb's job at the bookstore pays for our groceries and some small expenses. I tried applying for full-time jobs in Moberly...of which there are very little...and found no success. In the meantime, our hearts continued to grow heavy. We have been getting to know a great group of people, but our time thus far has been limited to two days a week, a few hours at a time, and we want to invest more and serve more in the community.

After a long talk with Caleb, we decided to go ahead and see if the door was open for us to move to Columbia during this coming summer. We love our friends in Moberly and where we live, and we know that if this is where God wants to keep us, He will. So, prayerfully, we have began looking around for jobs and apartments. Yesterday, we may have found an apartment, within our budget, great location, beautiful, enough space and with lots of little perks. As for jobs, I have been handed a lot of hopefuls of which I have applied. These are jobs that I'm either skilled in or incredibly interested in. So we'll see if any of them take me.

It's looking more and more like a move will happen for us this summer. With this comes all sorts of bittersweet emotions and a gratefulness that our friends here in Moberly are only 40minutes away. I still plan whole-heartedly on having many an adventure with Rachel and Lindsey. I'm going to miss our first "home" (I don't count the apartment we lived in for a month). This place has been good to us.

GOD has been GOOD to us. Even in our low times, quiet times, desperate times, he is still so good. We serve an amazing God, which, my friends, is what excites me most about this present and future...that it's Him we're serving and loving, no matter where he leads.

So that is where we are at at the moment.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

If I was

If I was a month, I'd be June.
If I was a day of the week, I'd be Thursday.
If I was a time of the day, I'd be 2pm.
If I was a sea animal, I'd be a baluga whale.
If I was a direction, I'd be west.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a familiar bench.
If I was a liquid, I'd be coffee.
If I was a gemstone, I'd be sapphire.
If I was a tree, I'd be an oak.
If I was a tool, I'd be measuring tape.
If I was a flower, I'd be a peony.
If I was a kind of weather, I'd be rainy.
If I was a musical instrument, I'd be a cello.
If I was a color, I'd be a deep green.
If I was an emotion, I'd be calm.
If I was a fruit, I'd be a kiwi.
If I was a sound, I'd be rain falling.
If I was an element, I'd be water.
If I was a mammal, I'd be a horse.
If I was a berry, I'd be blue.
If I was a bird, I'd be a sparrow.
If I was a book, I'd be the Bible.
If I was a story, I'd be the prodigal son.

This was just to pass some time. Life is as usually, but equally in transition. I'm applying for jobs in Columbia and looking into some apartments. I feel strangly ready for this possible move. I feel like doors are opening there...with a fair amount closing here.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Spring Cleaning

When my life begins to feel cluttered, I am overwhelmed by the sensation of needing to purge the mess from my life. Throughout my life I have had the task imparted upon me to clean my room. I would do this, occasionally begrudgingly to appease my father's standards of cleanliness. This is not to say I'm a slob. Quite on the contrary. It's just, I like to clean on my time and terms. Sometimes the mess would collect itself in little piles around the room, on the desk, in the kitchen (when I was at home my mess was refrained to my room), until at some point I would determine it too much. When I began to clean however, I would clean. Not only would I pick up my clothes and straighten the books on the bookshelf. Not only would I put the shoes in the closet and make my bed. Not only would I put my homework or poetry in neat piles. No. I would clean. I would go through every notebook, binder, folder, and determine what stayed or went. I would sort through every shirt, shoe and short and see what I would still wear. I'd review mix tapes and cds, videos, dvds, photographs, mementos, knick knacks and the like, and I would purge what I didn't need. At the end of my cleaning I would have a clear slate, a blank canvass, the bare essentials, ready to start anew. I guess it would be an understatement to say that I have never been a pack rat.

Occasionally, this need to purge and purify would spill into other arenas of my life. For example, following my high school graduation I chopped off my long hair I had with my since childhood and began breaking out of my mold of unassuming t-shirts and jeans. This blank canvass for me was a growth time. I began learning who I was and more importantly, who Jesus was. It took the purging of ties that bonded me to my shy, subdued self to see clearly, free from the mess.

It is again that time. The apartment is a mess and I find myself lost in it. I feel for sometime I have been immobilized by the ties of sin and selfish desire. All of those little things that drag me down are piling up in the corners of the room and on the counters of the kitchen. It's time to purge.

A friend of mine is encouraging me to write again. This of course, challenges me to think. Many of my friends are joining with me in reading more and I feel myself growing with each sentence. My husband is teaching me to love more, to be patient and gentle, to seek Christ in every moment with every breath. Have I let this go? Have I forgotten so easily? I am ashamed to say yes, from time to time I have. For some reason my human nature finds this easy. And though I have not wandered so very far away, I've let other junk and knick knacks clutter up my view so that when I'm looking at him, I'm easily distracted by flashing lights and alluring scents.

Bare with me as I begin to clean the mess. And if you find yourself in a cluttered space, I suggest doing the same. I want to be a blank canvass for God to fill, for He is the bare essential.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

earthly ambitions

These things are not important. I would like to do them nonetheless whilst in this life:

1. learn to play the cello

2. perfect my skills in baking

3. paint better, and more often

4. write more effortlessly

Monday, January 18, 2010

to experience living and dying....sort of.

This weekend was mostly wonderful. Caleb and I took a five hour drive to Lincoln, NE to see our dear friends, the Sorillas. It was so great seeing them and catching up. They took us to a delicious Indian food restaurant and we stayed up late, laughing talking, playing cards and eating ice cream. They got a hotel for us, that looked more like a mini apartment, complete with a mini kitchenette and hid-a-bed, allowing them to stay the night while the kids were at Ruth's parent's house.

Sunday we went to their downtown church plant, Two pillars, which was exciting to see what they would be involved in there. It also made me miss them a ton, knowing how far they really were from us. The Sorillas have been, since I've known them, a family that Caleb and I could definitely see ourselves doing some sort of ministry with. This visit was of course filled with subtle (and not so subtle) suggestions to move out there and join them. So maybe....if that door opens and God is wanting to push us through it...We'll see.

We said our goodbyes Sunday evening and went back to the hotel to get a few hours of sleep before getting on the road. Caleb needed to be at work by 9am, so we were planning to depart at 3-4am. We managed to get on the road and out of Lincoln by 4am, and despite ridiculous fog (ridiculous for a midwesterner, let alone an Arizonan that has hardly seen/never driven in it) we were making excellent time.

We got about half way, just leaving St. Joe, MO, and getting on our next highway stretch, when it happened. Let me remind you of the ridiculous fog; it was incredibly hard to see anything more than 20-30 feet in front of you. Well, the sun was not yet up so the wet roads were still fairly icy. Even plain old wet roads are slick. This accompanied with the fog, and the unfamiliarity of the off ramp....led to disaster. As I prepared to get on the I36 from the I29, I could not see that for the turn the speed would be reduced to 25. The sign was covered in fog until it was too late. Not knowing how soon the road approached and how small a window for getting on it was, caused me to try for it. My late realization of the decrease in speed and approaching curve, caused me to break. Note: I did not slam the break, but applied them, hoping that there was some chance of not hydroplaning. There wasn't one. Now this curve was very curvy, and in a micro-instant I knew we weren't going to make it. In the fog, in that split second, I could make out there was some sort of drop. I couldn't tell how steep, deep or cluttered this drop would be. I knew only, "AHHH!". Caleb didn't say a thing, knowing whatever was going to happen would happen.

In these seconds, I had a zillion thoughts. Were we going to die? Would the car blow up? Does this pit have a bottom? Is there a pond? Jagged rocks? Shards of metal? Would zombies be lurking at the bottom? Would they bite us? Would it hurt (the crash, not the zombies)? Could I have done something to prevent this? What if I die and Caleb doesn't? What if he dies and I don't? Is he going to be angry with my like my father would? Would he be happy we're okay? Hey....we didn't die...

After having a moment of hyperventilation, Caleb grabbed my hand and said, "these things happen. I'm not upset." We exited the car to survey and damage. None was visable. We had dove about 20 feet into the ditch, stopped solely by the snow that created a pillowy landing for our car. Unfortunately, the same snow also trapped us. Looking back up our path, I noticed a large sign we missed by 5 feet. To the right of the path was some jagged metal, also avoided. In front of us there was no telling how deep the snow went, except for some faint signs of teenage trees buried to their shoulders. We were actually really blessed we weren't hurt, and that, from where we stood, the car had no damage to it.

We called highway patrol and they came and blocked off the area, protecting us from any other stray cars that would share our fate. Unfortunately it took an hour for him to get there and another hour for a guy to pull us out. So, although we were making great time, we were now about 2hours behind. Thankfully, when we called Caleb's boss, she was concerned and understanding and not upset at all. After a few more setbacks (having to go to an ATM to pay the towing guy and then having to track him down because he accidentally held onto Caleb's set of keys), we were back on the road, and amazingly, there was no damage to our car at all.

We continued home and due to our setback, we were both even more tired and had to take a nap about an hour away from home. But I'm home, typing this, and Caleb is at work.

It was an adventure, and our weekend was mostly wonderful. Although, the mostly doesn't come solely from the accident. Lately Caleb and I have been having faulty communication, which has unfortunately resulted in more than a few arguments. I know where I fall short. I have a stubbornness inside of me, that although a misunderstanding may not be a big deal...I wont let it go. I think Caleb can be the same way, but more often, he would rather just avoid the issue and not talk about it. In comes my stubbornness that demands we hash it out. It just gets ugly from there.

The sad part about today (and its important I remember it was just part of today, and the rest of today and tomorrow can always be redeemed), is that we had one of these fights while we were waiting for the highway patrol to arrive. In those split seconds when we were falling into the abyss, I was a mess of emotions: fear, concern, remorse for my shortcomings, longing to be closer to God, longing to be closer to Caleb, and thankful. Yet moments later, I didn't silence my pride and stubbornness and strive for Christ-likeness. I sought what I wanted to do....which I really didn't want. I didn't want to fight with my husband. I didn't want to be so divided from him. I didn't want to serve my selfishness. Yet I did, like a dog returning to his vomit.

I could have died today, but I didn't. I also could have died to myself, and I didn't. I want to live for Christ and for Him to shine through me, but as it stands, I keep on clouding up the light, much like the fog that blinded me.

I think God likes to teach me lessons through metaphors. I guess I didn't see this one coming. But I need to hold all of this to heart and not ignore God's truth. He has bigger and better plans for me than the ones I have for myself. He desires an amazing relationship between my husband and me, and one not clouded with arguments. He desires an even better one between Himself and me, if only I can put my selfishness aside and let him continue to come closer and grow me up.

Philippians 2:1-11

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The devil and his nasty parlour tricks.....

There are some mysteries that simply can't be understood. That sounds much deeper and vague than I mean it. The mysteries that I am currently puzzled by are emotions, specifically the ones that are effected and influenced by small external forces. Like music. Like pictures. Faces. A certain beat. Those extra details that make you feel funny inside and speak to a certain part of you. Little cues that make you think for an extra second...

The other day I was bored. Caleb was still sleeping; I usually wake up before he does. So, I decided to do something quiet and browse on facebook. One thing lead to another, literally, and I was flooded by the faces of the past. A high school friends page lead to a high school acquaintance, that lead to some guy I knew somewhat, and a clique of girls that never talked to me, and a shy girl I thought had great potential. None of it was surprising, but I'll tell you felt heavy and strange to see these people I kind of new in their present lives. The guy up to the same old tricks, one of the girls modelling scandalously, complete with a boob job, the others showing what they've got in their own amateur way, and the shy girl....what happened?...drinking, drugs, parties and the middle finger. She was so good, so clean, untouched with so much potential for great things. For a moment I looked at my own life. I too was a shy girl in those days and now I am a stretch from that and far from this girl, Mallory. At least in petty ways. Part of me thanks God so much for His love and His presence in my life. The other part is just amazed that I am not her. I could have been so easily, and of course, still can. All these pictures begin to feel heavy, like the world is starting to saturate into my human skin, like some darkness is rubbing on me and if I don't brush it off quickly enough, I too will be stained. I don't think this is frivolous rambling...I'll explain in a second.

Okay, music (and I understand this post is a little...everywhere. maybe a bit abstract; maybe not), it has the same effect, and maybe it's different for everyone, but there are certain songs, certain sounds, genres that speak into me some darkness. It's like the cadence is calling "come back to me, come back to those old days and old ways". I could taste the music waves, but there is the ever present reality of drowning. But these minor details, the little distractions begin to weigh up and call me out of where I want to be. Am I making any sense.

Alright, here it is. I think in our lives, our fallen lives, we are stuck in the constant struggle, a continual war, in which we choose sides. This is a war for our souls. The King wants to protect us and love us keep us in His kingdom, but we have to choose to be by His side. The opposition is cunning. He'll use all sorts of tricks to bait us, to invite us into the gutter and keep us there. Neon signs and pretty faces and hipster beats. Fine wines and smooth lines, anything to keep us drugged. The world is pretty. Pretty. Pretty. And he'll keep saying it til we believe that it's all we stay wrapped up inside this pretty world.

Well, it's going to burn.

There is only one winner in this war and it's inevitable. You still have to choose a side. Lately I've been "feeling" the devil and he's up to his petty tricks, trying to bait me with his smooth demeanor and flashing lights. He's throwing out those details like a clever chess move, hoping I just walk into his trap. He wants me to fall and he wants to keep me. But he doesn't love me like the King. Makes me think of one thing:

Ephesians 6:10-20

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with the feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this is mind, be alert and always keep on praying for the saints. Pray also for me that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in Chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should."

Friday, January 8, 2010

there is a susceptibility to darkness in all of us and it is a matter of choice if we please our demons.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Long day.

I was 18 going on 19 the first time I worked in a restaurant. It was a deli to be specific and I loved it. There were ups and downs of course and some moments I hope never to relive, but overall it was a tremendous growing time in my life and my job seemed to be the vessel God used for that growth.

I'm now working at a deli again. True, it is a far cry from a "restaurant" and the food leaves something to be desired (but that's walmart for you), but again, I'm finding I'm loving my job. I love the people I work with and helping customers and feeding people. I love the multi-tasking and running around, smiling, cleaning, and "cooking". And again, I'm seeing God grow me, gradually, in this place. I'm seeing His word and work in my life coming through and effecting my coworkers. I want to do this forever. Now, not forever in Walmart.... Ideally, Caleb and I would have our own restaurant, but you get the idea. But for now, God has me at this deli in Moberly, MO, and I'm content.

Today was busy. Everyone at work is stressing out because of how busy we've been--trying to get the party trays made up, helping the average amount of customers (and then some, due to holiday shoppers) and trying to pick up the pieces after the dust settles and we're left with what slightly resembles a deli. Everyone is short in temper, with emotions fluctuating with any given comment or customer... It's pretty tense. Today I watched as my coworkers exploded, melted, cried, yelled, and in the end were encouraged, comforted and corrected. From 5am to 2pm, I witnessed God use me, calm me, speak through me and somehow, on 5 hours of sleep, I kept a smile on my face the entire time and was able to help my new friends at work and be God's calming voice in the storm. I think they are seeing Him.... I want them to know him.

Anyway, my husband is beckoning me into the kitchen and threatening me to eat Chinese food with him. Better do what he says.....or else.

Cheers and happy Christmas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I'm 25 today. I'll tell you how I feel about it later.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

show your heart

I saw this on someone else's blog, so I decided to do one of my own. Rach and Linds, you both should do it as well.

one picture

one poem
"Into My Own" By Robert Frost

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew---
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

one song
"For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti"
by Sufjan Stevens

one item of clothing

one place
Chepstow, Wales, UK

one disney princess

one quote
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
- Oscar Wilde

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Salvation Mountain

I would love to see this place. It's crazy to think I've been an hour away from it every time I drove through California. It's called Salvation Mountain, and it was built to share a simple message that God is love. It's made from local adobe and donated paint and is 50feet tall and 150feet wide. I think it would be incredible to see in person. Maybe that will be a future road trip...

Thanksgiving and such.

I haven't been blogging very consistently, mostly due to work. By the time I'm done working, I feel like mellowing with my husband. On top of that, this week has been crazy, but the good variety. Thanksgiving day was wonderful. This whole week I've been realizing how much I truly have to be thankful for. The Lord is good. It was so good to have a handful of my friends in our home, eating and lounging and talking. At one point the guys went off to talk about guy things and us girls congregated around Sense and Sensibility, and talked about marriage and things of that nature. I love times like those. Yesterday, my husband and I relaxed and stayed very far away from stores. We made turkey soup, of which we are finishing today, and we also ate a whole pumpkin pie together.... maybe not the wisest decision, but oh so good.

Today my friend Lindsey is coming into town with her husband Lorenzo. I'm so excited to see her. I'm glad she'll be living here.

Well, I promise to be more consistent in my posts. The larger the gaps between them, the more my apathy to write is, so I need to be writing. Cheers.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

It's been a while

I've been working a lot (at Walmart) and it's been interesting thus far. I'm strongly convinced that God keeps us right where he wants us. We can of course be foolish and ignore what he's asking of us, but it's amazing to follow his guidence where he has us. I didn't get the job as the hospital cook and I found out that another job that I applied for wont be hiring until the spring. After reviewing our finances though, we realized Caleb can still go to school full time and be jobless with the income coming from Walmart. Pretty cool.

Another thing is I've been growing attached to some of the people that I work with. There are a couple that require a bit more patience to be around, but there are a few I feel I can make a significant impact on. My favorite person to work with is Connie. She's an older (60's I believe) woman that works two full-time jobs. She lost her husband in the summer and she's always tired from working so much. Despite that, she's a joy. She's sarcastic and cranky, but incredibly lovable and caring. She's guarded as well, but I think she feels safe with me. On top of all this, she reminds my of my Grandma Joyce (my dad's aunt who raised him). They look the same, talk the same, and the way she acts with me, reminds me of how Grandma Joyce acted with me. Of course I was twelve or so when she died, and not being twelve now, I feel very protective of Connie. Working so much has her worn out, so when I work with her, I try to make it easier on her. I also try making her smile, which, when she does, it's the most beautiful thing.

I want Connie to know Jesus. I want all of them to. God has me where he wants me right now and I'm content with that.

Other than work, life is great. I love my husband sooooooo much. I'm so glad that he doesn't work a night shift anymore. I love reaching my hand over on his side of the bed and finding him there.

A few other things: my dear friends, the Sorillas, are leaving Missouri this Saturday. They have been such great friends to Caleb and I and I know they will continue to be so. I'm going to miss them a lot. With this sadness comes a different joy however. One of my best friends, Lindsey, and her husband, are moving just down the street from us from NM. I'm so excited that she's going to live here. It's been too long since I've seen her for any significant amount of time.

In conclusion, God is really good. For reals.

Monday, October 19, 2009

where I'm at

I'm working for the man, until I hear otherwise....then I'll work for some other man. Translation: I got a job at Wal-mart in the Deli department and will work there unless I get the job as the hospital cook. I find out tomorrow about that one. Until then, I'm deli Kelly.

Lately I've been wanting to cut my hair. I'm not talking a trim (of which, if anything, it desprately needs). But I've been thinking of chopping off many inches. I hope I can hold it off until I can acquire 10 inches to chop...for locks of love purposes.

I also have been wanting to get my tattoo again. I have for a long time now wanted a tattoo, and have not had the money or the will to get one. I've wanted the same design and have finally found a counterpart so that it can be symetrical. I originally wanted it on my back, but now I'm thinking feet, since I finally have two designs in mind. I'll sit on this and make sure I'm sure...and make sure I have the money.

Caleb and I are doing great. He has two more days working at the prison and then he is free! I'm so glad. No more night shift, no more sleeping in the day, no more reclusiveness due to schedule. And best of all, I get to sleep with my husband every night! I'm quite happy about how our little lives are working out. God is good.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Where have all the craftsmen gone?

Lately, I've been watching documentaries about food and health. This is a topic that greatly interestes me. There is so much to learn about food and how it directly effects our's fascinating. Really, it's as fascinating as it is because we live in a culture of convenience. A great portion of the food people eat now-a-days is processed. Sometimes that is all they eat. Beyond this, most people don't even think about food and what it does when it goes down their throat. They don't think of the nutrients and benefits they are getting.....or the lack there of and damage they could be doing.

Again, we live in a culture of convenience. Blame the industrial age. There are products mass produced in bulk and processed til it's hardly deserving of the title "food". We consume more chemicals that we realize and we don't seem to care as long as it's easy, fast and affordable.

I am pressed to make the correlation between a food item and it's eater. We are a culture that is easy, fast and affordable. Or rather lazy, whiney and cheap. We are really losing something here...

Caleb and I have made a few decision based on the things that we have been learning and thoughts that have been brewing. First, we are staying away from processed food (spare a few ingredients, like chocolate chips for baking*see note). Second, we are limiting our intake of meat to only a couple of times a week, using other vegetarian sources of protien (this will in turn help our digestive system, as animal protien can be hard on the intestines and pancreas). Third, we will limit (basically eliminate) or use of refined sugars, relying on other natural sweeteners such as honey and agave nectar. Fourth, if we can buy a desired produce organically or locally we will do so. And fifth, I will be baking our own whole wheat multi-grain bread (free of corn fillers, preservatives and chemicals). I believe these changes will save us money, supply more energy and help our health overall tremendously.

*Note: there may be some processed foods still purchased, but only after a review of the ingredients. I encourage everyone to become familiar with the ingredients found in some products that you may not recognise. You may find there is something you wouldn't want in your body.
Also, it's important to keep yourself accountable. I am not opposed to a treat now and then that may not be super for you, but these things I eat seldom and sparingly. Know what goes into your body. Eat for your body and not just for your cravings or desires.

Now to talk about the last change (bread) and the actual reason I started this blog post. As I was driving home from my grocery venture today, I was listening to an interesting conversation about craftsmen on NPR. They were mentioning how the industrial age had really hurt the craftsman way of life. People stopped doing things with their own hands and machines stepped in. But there is something within us that wants to create and create something well for it's own purpose. I was thinking of how this correlated with my cooking and bread-making and how I'm excited to make it with my own hands. I'm hoping there is a revival of the craftsman in all of us. A desire to plant our own food and flowers, to cook our own meals from scratch, to build our own tables and spice racks, to sew our own clothes, to fix the toilet ourselves, to paint a picture, to knit a scarf... And when you enjoy these things, you enjoy them more because you know the work that went into them and you did it with your own hands. There is something exciting about that.

Anyway, that is what has been on my mind as of late. When I got home, I lifted all the groceries, with my own two hands up to the door of our apartment. On my way I got honked at by a couple of girls, one of which shouted to me "Lady, I love you, you're my hero."

Yes, I will lift these groceries. Yes, they are heavy and awkward, but I will do it for me and scrawny armed girls around the world....

...although, I could have done without the "Lady".

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Just Brown

I think it's obvious that I am quite disappointed in our culture. I suppose when you gather any group of faulty humans together, you're going to get a big mess. Especially if they don't know Christ. Lately my disappointment has been directed at one topic in particular: vanity and self-esteem. You get so many mixed messages in this culture about how you are beautiful just the way you are, but then everything else is directed at changing who you are, or convincing you that you'd be better if only you had more [...] or were more [...]. It's everywhere you look and I'm not just saying the models and movies stars that are in all the magazines. Walk down an aisle in any store and you're bound to find things that would alter your appearance... make you more this or that. The fashion trends that cycle every season is only one example. It's amazing to see how people can really believe that somehow their life will be changed if only they had the latest style. As if wearing that shirt, or those boots will somehow make them more valuable and attractive. I'm really not being over's so easy to get sucked into this way of thinking when it's all around you. Then of course there are the other aisles in the stores. Makeup that promise to quadruple the length of your pathetic lashes, heighten the definition of your non-existent cheekbones, cover up the multitudes of flaws you so obviously have. Thank God makeup is here to make you a better version of you! Shampoo that promises to de-frizz, add volume, magnify highlights, lo-lights, and any other light, when really, they are all made of the same stuff. Whiten your teeth, rid yourself of cellulite, minimize wrinkles, get rid of those grays... It's disgusting.

I can't watch Hulu without seeing adds every three minutes for Latisse, a serum you apply to grow more longer, darker lashes. What a frivolous desire...they are lashes and add nothing to the well being of your life (especially when you take into account the side effects, all for the sake of a few more little hairs on your eye lids). Then there is Juvederm so you can get rid of your "facial parentheses". THEY ARE SMILE LINES. When you're old and have had a happy life, you should wear those "parentheses" as a medal. I can't help but notice how the spokesperson in the commercial looks as if she can't smile all the way. Botox, plastic surgery-- these things are so unnatural. Have you ever seen someone 50+ without any signs of their age? It's creepy.

Today, Caleb and I had a date day. We went to Columbia and had a tasty lunch/dinner, walked around downtown and saw a movie. There didn't seem to be too much playing so we saw the movie Surrogates. In this movie the majority of the worlds population lives their lives through their surrogate robots. They plug themselves in and experience life from the safety of their own homes. Their surrogates are the "best versions" of themselves. They are beautiful, sexy, flawless..... Of course, the hot blonde walking down the street is being run by a fat guy that hasn't showered in two months. Okay, spoiler, although entirely predictable.... in the end surrogacy is over and you see people stepping out of their houses and apartment in their real bodies, flaws and all. It's relieving to see humans and not robots, to see them in their robes and bed-head and scruffy unshaved faces... to see their big noses, wrinkles, and oddly proportioned bodies, because there is nothing odd about it. God made us different, and beautiful and in his image.

When we start chasing after something we don't have, thinking that something is going to complete us, we'll only be left unsatisfied. Looks and possessions are superficial and temporary and we are fools when we place them higher than they are. We are fools if we think we will be satisfied by anything aside from God and the truth that he loves us, sent his Son to die for us and that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." God has made everything and to insult that, to desire these empty changes and modifications, is to insult the Creator.

All this having been said, I will confess I'm no stranger to these weaknesses. Looking in the mirror, I find myself occasionally dissatisfied. This is a mindset that I have been working on changing, and it's a matter of mastering every thought--not always the easiest task. But I am happy with who God has made me, inside and out, and I try to always remember that. I'm annoyed when a take some of the silly quizzes on Facebook, like What Famous Starlet are you?, or What is your hidden talent?, and they ask a question like what color your hair is and your options are something along the lines of sexy blonde, mysterious black, fiery red and just brown. I have straight brown hair...and I love it. I tried dying it once and I immediately dyed it back the next day. I love my brown hair, my big nose, my flat chest. This is how God made me. Just Kelly, and that is wonderful to Him. It's my prayer that others see the beauty that God has given them and not be jealous of others or think lowly of themselves, despite what the world may be telling them. After all, what is the world, but a bunch of other humans made by God, just like you.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -- Psalm 139:13-14