to experience living and dying....sort of.

This weekend was mostly wonderful. Caleb and I took a five hour drive to Lincoln, NE to see our dear friends, the Sorillas. It was so great seeing them and catching up. They took us to a delicious Indian food restaurant and we stayed up late, laughing talking, playing cards and eating ice cream. They got a hotel for us, that looked more like a mini apartment, complete with a mini kitchenette and hid-a-bed, allowing them to stay the night while the kids were at Ruth's parent's house.

Sunday we went to their downtown church plant, Two pillars, which was exciting to see what they would be involved in there. It also made me miss them a ton, knowing how far they really were from us. The Sorillas have been, since I've known them, a family that Caleb and I could definitely see ourselves doing some sort of ministry with. This visit was of course filled with subtle (and not so subtle) suggestions to move out there and join them. So maybe....if that door opens and God is wanting to push us through it...We'll see.

We said our goodbyes Sunday evening and went back to the hotel to get a few hours of sleep before getting on the road. Caleb needed to be at work by 9am, so we were planning to depart at 3-4am. We managed to get on the road and out of Lincoln by 4am, and despite ridiculous fog (ridiculous for a midwesterner, let alone an Arizonan that has hardly seen/never driven in it) we were making excellent time.

We got about half way, just leaving St. Joe, MO, and getting on our next highway stretch, when it happened. Let me remind you of the ridiculous fog; it was incredibly hard to see anything more than 20-30 feet in front of you. Well, the sun was not yet up so the wet roads were still fairly icy. Even plain old wet roads are slick. This accompanied with the fog, and the unfamiliarity of the off ramp....led to disaster. As I prepared to get on the I36 from the I29, I could not see that for the turn the speed would be reduced to 25. The sign was covered in fog until it was too late. Not knowing how soon the road approached and how small a window for getting on it was, caused me to try for it. My late realization of the decrease in speed and approaching curve, caused me to break. Note: I did not slam the break, but applied them, hoping that there was some chance of not hydroplaning. There wasn't one. Now this curve was very curvy, and in a micro-instant I knew we weren't going to make it. In the fog, in that split second, I could make out there was some sort of drop. I couldn't tell how steep, deep or cluttered this drop would be. I knew only, "AHHH!". Caleb didn't say a thing, knowing whatever was going to happen would happen.

In these seconds, I had a zillion thoughts. Were we going to die? Would the car blow up? Does this pit have a bottom? Is there a pond? Jagged rocks? Shards of metal? Would zombies be lurking at the bottom? Would they bite us? Would it hurt (the crash, not the zombies)? Could I have done something to prevent this? What if I die and Caleb doesn't? What if he dies and I don't? Is he going to be angry with my like my father would? Would he be happy we're okay? Hey....we didn't die...

After having a moment of hyperventilation, Caleb grabbed my hand and said, "these things happen. I'm not upset." We exited the car to survey and damage. None was visable. We had dove about 20 feet into the ditch, stopped solely by the snow that created a pillowy landing for our car. Unfortunately, the same snow also trapped us. Looking back up our path, I noticed a large sign we missed by 5 feet. To the right of the path was some jagged metal, also avoided. In front of us there was no telling how deep the snow went, except for some faint signs of teenage trees buried to their shoulders. We were actually really blessed we weren't hurt, and that, from where we stood, the car had no damage to it.

We called highway patrol and they came and blocked off the area, protecting us from any other stray cars that would share our fate. Unfortunately it took an hour for him to get there and another hour for a guy to pull us out. So, although we were making great time, we were now about 2hours behind. Thankfully, when we called Caleb's boss, she was concerned and understanding and not upset at all. After a few more setbacks (having to go to an ATM to pay the towing guy and then having to track him down because he accidentally held onto Caleb's set of keys), we were back on the road, and amazingly, there was no damage to our car at all.

We continued home and due to our setback, we were both even more tired and had to take a nap about an hour away from home. But I'm home, typing this, and Caleb is at work.

It was an adventure, and our weekend was mostly wonderful. Although, the mostly doesn't come solely from the accident. Lately Caleb and I have been having faulty communication, which has unfortunately resulted in more than a few arguments. I know where I fall short. I have a stubbornness inside of me, that although a misunderstanding may not be a big deal...I wont let it go. I think Caleb can be the same way, but more often, he would rather just avoid the issue and not talk about it. In comes my stubbornness that demands we hash it out. It just gets ugly from there.

The sad part about today (and its important I remember it was just part of today, and the rest of today and tomorrow can always be redeemed), is that we had one of these fights while we were waiting for the highway patrol to arrive. In those split seconds when we were falling into the abyss, I was a mess of emotions: fear, concern, remorse for my shortcomings, longing to be closer to God, longing to be closer to Caleb, and thankful. Yet moments later, I didn't silence my pride and stubbornness and strive for Christ-likeness. I sought what I wanted to do....which I really didn't want. I didn't want to fight with my husband. I didn't want to be so divided from him. I didn't want to serve my selfishness. Yet I did, like a dog returning to his vomit.

I could have died today, but I didn't. I also could have died to myself, and I didn't. I want to live for Christ and for Him to shine through me, but as it stands, I keep on clouding up the light, much like the fog that blinded me.

I think God likes to teach me lessons through metaphors. I guess I didn't see this one coming. But I need to hold all of this to heart and not ignore God's truth. He has bigger and better plans for me than the ones I have for myself. He desires an amazing relationship between my husband and me, and one not clouded with arguments. He desires an even better one between Himself and me, if only I can put my selfishness aside and let him continue to come closer and grow me up.

Philippians 2:1-11

The devil and his nasty parlour tricks.....

There are some mysteries that simply can't be understood. That sounds much deeper and vague than I mean it. The mysteries that I am currently puzzled by are emotions, specifically the ones that are effected and influenced by small external forces. Like music. Like pictures. Faces. A certain beat. Those extra details that make you feel funny inside and speak to a certain part of you. Little cues that make you think for an extra second...

The other day I was bored. Caleb was still sleeping; I usually wake up before he does. So, I decided to do something quiet and browse on facebook. One thing lead to another, literally, and I was flooded by the faces of the past. A high school friends page lead to a high school acquaintance, that lead to some guy I knew somewhat, and a clique of girls that never talked to me, and a shy girl I thought had great potential. None of it was surprising, but I'll tell you what...it felt heavy and strange to see these people I kind of new in their present lives. The guy up to the same old tricks, one of the girls modelling scandalously, complete with a boob job, the others showing what they've got in their own amateur way, and the shy girl....what happened?...drinking, drugs, parties and the middle finger. She was so good, so clean, untouched with so much potential for great things. For a moment I looked at my own life. I too was a shy girl in those days and now I am a stretch from that and far from this girl, Mallory. At least in petty ways. Part of me thanks God so much for His love and His presence in my life. The other part is just amazed that I am not her. I could have been so easily, and of course, still can. All these pictures begin to feel heavy, like the world is starting to saturate into my human skin, like some darkness is rubbing on me and if I don't brush it off quickly enough, I too will be stained. I don't think this is frivolous rambling...I'll explain in a second.

Okay, music (and I understand this post is a little...everywhere. maybe a bit abstract; maybe not), it has the same effect, and maybe it's different for everyone, but there are certain songs, certain sounds, genres that speak into me some darkness. It's like the cadence is calling "come back to me, come back to those old days and old ways". I could taste the music waves, but there is the ever present reality of drowning. But these minor details, the little distractions begin to weigh up and call me out of where I want to be. Am I making any sense.

Alright, here it is. I think in our lives, our fallen lives, we are stuck in the constant struggle, a continual war, in which we choose sides. This is a war for our souls. The King wants to protect us and love us keep us in His kingdom, but we have to choose to be by His side. The opposition is cunning. He'll use all sorts of tricks to bait us, to invite us into the gutter and keep us there. Neon signs and pretty faces and hipster beats. Fine wines and smooth lines, anything to keep us drugged. The world is pretty. Pretty. Pretty. And he'll keep saying it til we believe that it's all we need...to stay wrapped up inside this pretty world.

Well, it's going to burn.

There is only one winner in this war and it's inevitable. You still have to choose a side. Lately I've been "feeling" the devil and he's up to his petty tricks, trying to bait me with his smooth demeanor and flashing lights. He's throwing out those details like a clever chess move, hoping I just walk into his trap. He wants me to fall and he wants to keep me. But he doesn't love me like the King. Makes me think of one thing:

Ephesians 6:10-20

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with the feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this is mind, be alert and always keep on praying for the saints. Pray also for me that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in Chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should."

there is a susceptibility to darkness in all of us and it is a matter of choice if we please our demons.