Monday, January 18, 2010

to experience living and dying....sort of.

This weekend was mostly wonderful. Caleb and I took a five hour drive to Lincoln, NE to see our dear friends, the Sorillas. It was so great seeing them and catching up. They took us to a delicious Indian food restaurant and we stayed up late, laughing talking, playing cards and eating ice cream. They got a hotel for us, that looked more like a mini apartment, complete with a mini kitchenette and hid-a-bed, allowing them to stay the night while the kids were at Ruth's parent's house.

Sunday we went to their downtown church plant, Two pillars, which was exciting to see what they would be involved in there. It also made me miss them a ton, knowing how far they really were from us. The Sorillas have been, since I've known them, a family that Caleb and I could definitely see ourselves doing some sort of ministry with. This visit was of course filled with subtle (and not so subtle) suggestions to move out there and join them. So maybe....if that door opens and God is wanting to push us through it...We'll see.

We said our goodbyes Sunday evening and went back to the hotel to get a few hours of sleep before getting on the road. Caleb needed to be at work by 9am, so we were planning to depart at 3-4am. We managed to get on the road and out of Lincoln by 4am, and despite ridiculous fog (ridiculous for a midwesterner, let alone an Arizonan that has hardly seen/never driven in it) we were making excellent time.

We got about half way, just leaving St. Joe, MO, and getting on our next highway stretch, when it happened. Let me remind you of the ridiculous fog; it was incredibly hard to see anything more than 20-30 feet in front of you. Well, the sun was not yet up so the wet roads were still fairly icy. Even plain old wet roads are slick. This accompanied with the fog, and the unfamiliarity of the off ramp....led to disaster. As I prepared to get on the I36 from the I29, I could not see that for the turn the speed would be reduced to 25. The sign was covered in fog until it was too late. Not knowing how soon the road approached and how small a window for getting on it was, caused me to try for it. My late realization of the decrease in speed and approaching curve, caused me to break. Note: I did not slam the break, but applied them, hoping that there was some chance of not hydroplaning. There wasn't one. Now this curve was very curvy, and in a micro-instant I knew we weren't going to make it. In the fog, in that split second, I could make out there was some sort of drop. I couldn't tell how steep, deep or cluttered this drop would be. I knew only, "AHHH!". Caleb didn't say a thing, knowing whatever was going to happen would happen.

In these seconds, I had a zillion thoughts. Were we going to die? Would the car blow up? Does this pit have a bottom? Is there a pond? Jagged rocks? Shards of metal? Would zombies be lurking at the bottom? Would they bite us? Would it hurt (the crash, not the zombies)? Could I have done something to prevent this? What if I die and Caleb doesn't? What if he dies and I don't? Is he going to be angry with my like my father would? Would he be happy we're okay? Hey....we didn't die...

After having a moment of hyperventilation, Caleb grabbed my hand and said, "these things happen. I'm not upset." We exited the car to survey and damage. None was visable. We had dove about 20 feet into the ditch, stopped solely by the snow that created a pillowy landing for our car. Unfortunately, the same snow also trapped us. Looking back up our path, I noticed a large sign we missed by 5 feet. To the right of the path was some jagged metal, also avoided. In front of us there was no telling how deep the snow went, except for some faint signs of teenage trees buried to their shoulders. We were actually really blessed we weren't hurt, and that, from where we stood, the car had no damage to it.

We called highway patrol and they came and blocked off the area, protecting us from any other stray cars that would share our fate. Unfortunately it took an hour for him to get there and another hour for a guy to pull us out. So, although we were making great time, we were now about 2hours behind. Thankfully, when we called Caleb's boss, she was concerned and understanding and not upset at all. After a few more setbacks (having to go to an ATM to pay the towing guy and then having to track him down because he accidentally held onto Caleb's set of keys), we were back on the road, and amazingly, there was no damage to our car at all.

We continued home and due to our setback, we were both even more tired and had to take a nap about an hour away from home. But I'm home, typing this, and Caleb is at work.

It was an adventure, and our weekend was mostly wonderful. Although, the mostly doesn't come solely from the accident. Lately Caleb and I have been having faulty communication, which has unfortunately resulted in more than a few arguments. I know where I fall short. I have a stubbornness inside of me, that although a misunderstanding may not be a big deal...I wont let it go. I think Caleb can be the same way, but more often, he would rather just avoid the issue and not talk about it. In comes my stubbornness that demands we hash it out. It just gets ugly from there.

The sad part about today (and its important I remember it was just part of today, and the rest of today and tomorrow can always be redeemed), is that we had one of these fights while we were waiting for the highway patrol to arrive. In those split seconds when we were falling into the abyss, I was a mess of emotions: fear, concern, remorse for my shortcomings, longing to be closer to God, longing to be closer to Caleb, and thankful. Yet moments later, I didn't silence my pride and stubbornness and strive for Christ-likeness. I sought what I wanted to do....which I really didn't want. I didn't want to fight with my husband. I didn't want to be so divided from him. I didn't want to serve my selfishness. Yet I did, like a dog returning to his vomit.

I could have died today, but I didn't. I also could have died to myself, and I didn't. I want to live for Christ and for Him to shine through me, but as it stands, I keep on clouding up the light, much like the fog that blinded me.

I think God likes to teach me lessons through metaphors. I guess I didn't see this one coming. But I need to hold all of this to heart and not ignore God's truth. He has bigger and better plans for me than the ones I have for myself. He desires an amazing relationship between my husband and me, and one not clouded with arguments. He desires an even better one between Himself and me, if only I can put my selfishness aside and let him continue to come closer and grow me up.

Philippians 2:1-11

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