Long day.

I was 18 going on 19 the first time I worked in a restaurant. It was a deli to be specific and I loved it. There were ups and downs of course and some moments I hope never to relive, but overall it was a tremendous growing time in my life and my job seemed to be the vessel God used for that growth.

I'm now working at a deli again. True, it is a far cry from a "restaurant" and the food leaves something to be desired (but that's walmart for you), but again, I'm finding I'm loving my job. I love the people I work with and helping customers and feeding people. I love the multi-tasking and running around, smiling, cleaning, and "cooking". And again, I'm seeing God grow me, gradually, in this place. I'm seeing His word and work in my life coming through and effecting my coworkers. I want to do this forever. Now, not forever in Walmart.... Ideally, Caleb and I would have our own restaurant, but you get the idea. But for now, God has me at this deli in Moberly, MO, and I'm content.

Today was busy. Everyone at work is stressing out because of how busy we've been--trying to get the party trays made up, helping the average amount of customers (and then some, due to holiday shoppers) and trying to pick up the pieces after the dust settles and we're left with what slightly resembles a deli. Everyone is short in temper, with emotions fluctuating with any given comment or customer... It's pretty tense. Today I watched as my coworkers exploded, melted, cried, yelled, and in the end were encouraged, comforted and corrected. From 5am to 2pm, I witnessed God use me, calm me, speak through me and somehow, on 5 hours of sleep, I kept a smile on my face the entire time and was able to help my new friends at work and be God's calming voice in the storm. I think they are seeing Him.... I want them to know him.

Anyway, my husband is beckoning me into the kitchen and threatening me to eat Chinese food with him. Better do what he says.....or else.

Cheers and happy Christmas.

I'm 25 today. I'll tell you how I feel about it later.

show your heart

I saw this on someone else's blog, so I decided to do one of my own. Rach and Linds, you both should do it as well.

one picture

one poem
"Into My Own" By Robert Frost

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew---
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

one song
"For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti"
by Sufjan Stevens

one item of clothing

one place
Chepstow, Wales, UK


one disney princess

one quote
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
- Oscar Wilde

Salvation Mountain

I would love to see this place. It's crazy to think I've been an hour away from it every time I drove through California. It's called Salvation Mountain, and it was built to share a simple message that God is love. It's made from local adobe and donated paint and is 50feet tall and 150feet wide. I think it would be incredible to see in person. Maybe that will be a future road trip...

Thanksgiving and such.

I haven't been blogging very consistently, mostly due to work. By the time I'm done working, I feel like mellowing with my husband. On top of that, this week has been crazy, but the good variety. Thanksgiving day was wonderful. This whole week I've been realizing how much I truly have to be thankful for. The Lord is good. It was so good to have a handful of my friends in our home, eating and lounging and talking. At one point the guys went off to talk about guy things and us girls congregated around Sense and Sensibility, and talked about marriage and things of that nature. I love times like those. Yesterday, my husband and I relaxed and stayed very far away from stores. We made turkey soup, of which we are finishing today, and we also ate a whole pumpkin pie together.... maybe not the wisest decision, but oh so good.

Today my friend Lindsey is coming into town with her husband Lorenzo. I'm so excited to see her. I'm glad she'll be living here.

Well, I promise to be more consistent in my posts. The larger the gaps between them, the more my apathy to write is, so I need to be writing. Cheers.

It's been a while

I've been working a lot (at Walmart) and it's been interesting thus far. I'm strongly convinced that God keeps us right where he wants us. We can of course be foolish and ignore what he's asking of us, but it's amazing to follow his guidence where he has us. I didn't get the job as the hospital cook and I found out that another job that I applied for wont be hiring until the spring. After reviewing our finances though, we realized Caleb can still go to school full time and be jobless with the income coming from Walmart. Pretty cool.

Another thing is I've been growing attached to some of the people that I work with. There are a couple that require a bit more patience to be around, but there are a few I feel I can make a significant impact on. My favorite person to work with is Connie. She's an older (60's I believe) woman that works two full-time jobs. She lost her husband in the summer and she's always tired from working so much. Despite that, she's a joy. She's sarcastic and cranky, but incredibly lovable and caring. She's guarded as well, but I think she feels safe with me. On top of all this, she reminds my of my Grandma Joyce (my dad's aunt who raised him). They look the same, talk the same, and the way she acts with me, reminds me of how Grandma Joyce acted with me. Of course I was twelve or so when she died, and not being twelve now, I feel very protective of Connie. Working so much has her worn out, so when I work with her, I try to make it easier on her. I also try making her smile, which, when she does, it's the most beautiful thing.

I want Connie to know Jesus. I want all of them to. God has me where he wants me right now and I'm content with that.

Other than work, life is great. I love my husband sooooooo much. I'm so glad that he doesn't work a night shift anymore. I love reaching my hand over on his side of the bed and finding him there.

A few other things: my dear friends, the Sorillas, are leaving Missouri this Saturday. They have been such great friends to Caleb and I and I know they will continue to be so. I'm going to miss them a lot. With this sadness comes a different joy however. One of my best friends, Lindsey, and her husband, are moving just down the street from us from NM. I'm so excited that she's going to live here. It's been too long since I've seen her for any significant amount of time.

In conclusion, God is really good. For reals.

where I'm at

I'm working for the man, until I hear otherwise....then I'll work for some other man. Translation: I got a job at Wal-mart in the Deli department and will work there unless I get the job as the hospital cook. I find out tomorrow about that one. Until then, I'm deli Kelly.

Lately I've been wanting to cut my hair. I'm not talking a trim (of which, if anything, it desprately needs). But I've been thinking of chopping off many inches. I hope I can hold it off until I can acquire 10 inches to chop...for locks of love purposes.

I also have been wanting to get my tattoo again. I have for a long time now wanted a tattoo, and have not had the money or the will to get one. I've wanted the same design and have finally found a counterpart so that it can be symetrical. I originally wanted it on my back, but now I'm thinking feet, since I finally have two designs in mind. I'll sit on this and make sure I'm sure...and make sure I have the money.

Caleb and I are doing great. He has two more days working at the prison and then he is free! I'm so glad. No more night shift, no more sleeping in the day, no more reclusiveness due to schedule. And best of all, I get to sleep with my husband every night! I'm quite happy about how our little lives are working out. God is good.

Where have all the craftsmen gone?

Lately, I've been watching documentaries about food and health. This is a topic that greatly interestes me. There is so much to learn about food and how it directly effects our bodies...it's fascinating. Really, it's as fascinating as it is because we live in a culture of convenience. A great portion of the food people eat now-a-days is processed. Sometimes that is all they eat. Beyond this, most people don't even think about food and what it does when it goes down their throat. They don't think of the nutrients and benefits they are getting.....or the lack there of and damage they could be doing.

Again, we live in a culture of convenience. Blame the industrial age. There are products mass produced in bulk and processed til it's hardly deserving of the title "food". We consume more chemicals that we realize and we don't seem to care as long as it's easy, fast and affordable.

I am pressed to make the correlation between a food item and it's eater. We are a culture that is easy, fast and affordable. Or rather lazy, whiney and cheap. We are really losing something here...

Caleb and I have made a few decision based on the things that we have been learning and thoughts that have been brewing. First, we are staying away from processed food (spare a few ingredients, like chocolate chips for baking*see note). Second, we are limiting our intake of meat to only a couple of times a week, using other vegetarian sources of protien (this will in turn help our digestive system, as animal protien can be hard on the intestines and pancreas). Third, we will limit (basically eliminate) or use of refined sugars, relying on other natural sweeteners such as honey and agave nectar. Fourth, if we can buy a desired produce organically or locally we will do so. And fifth, I will be baking our own whole wheat multi-grain bread (free of corn fillers, preservatives and chemicals). I believe these changes will save us money, supply more energy and help our health overall tremendously.

*Note: there may be some processed foods still purchased, but only after a review of the ingredients. I encourage everyone to become familiar with the ingredients found in some products that you may not recognise. You may find there is something you wouldn't want in your body.

Also, it's important to keep yourself accountable. I am not opposed to a treat now and then that may not be super for you, but these things I eat seldom and sparingly. Know what goes into your body. Eat for your body and not just for your cravings or desires.

Now to talk about the last change (bread) and the actual reason I started this blog post. As I was driving home from my grocery venture today, I was listening to an interesting conversation about craftsmen on NPR. They were mentioning how the industrial age had really hurt the craftsman way of life. People stopped doing things with their own hands and machines stepped in. But there is something within us that wants to create and create something well for it's own purpose. I was thinking of how this correlated with my cooking and bread-making and how I'm excited to make it with my own hands. I'm hoping there is a revival of the craftsman in all of us. A desire to plant our own food and flowers, to cook our own meals from scratch, to build our own tables and spice racks, to sew our own clothes, to fix the toilet ourselves, to paint a picture, to knit a scarf... And when you enjoy these things, you enjoy them more because you know the work that went into them and you did it with your own hands. There is something exciting about that.

Anyway, that is what has been on my mind as of late. When I got home, I lifted all the groceries, with my own two hands up to the door of our apartment. On my way I got honked at by a couple of girls, one of which shouted to me "Lady, I love you, you're my hero."

Yes, I will lift these groceries. Yes, they are heavy and awkward, but I will do it for me and scrawny armed girls around the world....

...although, I could have done without the "Lady".

Just Brown

I think it's obvious that I am quite disappointed in our culture. I suppose when you gather any group of faulty humans together, you're going to get a big mess. Especially if they don't know Christ. Lately my disappointment has been directed at one topic in particular: vanity and self-esteem. You get so many mixed messages in this culture about how you are beautiful just the way you are, but then everything else is directed at changing who you are, or convincing you that you'd be better if only you had more [...] or were more [...]. It's everywhere you look and I'm not just saying the models and movies stars that are in all the magazines. Walk down an aisle in any store and you're bound to find things that would alter your appearance... make you more this or that. The fashion trends that cycle every season is only one example. It's amazing to see how people can really believe that somehow their life will be changed if only they had the latest style. As if wearing that shirt, or those boots will somehow make them more valuable and attractive. I'm really not being over critical....it's so easy to get sucked into this way of thinking when it's all around you. Then of course there are the other aisles in the stores. Makeup that promise to quadruple the length of your pathetic lashes, heighten the definition of your non-existent cheekbones, cover up the multitudes of flaws you so obviously have. Thank God makeup is here to make you a better version of you! Shampoo that promises to de-frizz, add volume, magnify highlights, lo-lights, and any other light, when really, they are all made of the same stuff. Whiten your teeth, rid yourself of cellulite, minimize wrinkles, get rid of those grays... It's disgusting.

I can't watch Hulu without seeing adds every three minutes for Latisse, a serum you apply to grow more longer, darker lashes. What a frivolous desire...they are lashes and add nothing to the well being of your life (especially when you take into account the side effects, all for the sake of a few more little hairs on your eye lids). Then there is Juvederm so you can get rid of your "facial parentheses". THEY ARE SMILE LINES. When you're old and have had a happy life, you should wear those "parentheses" as a medal. I can't help but notice how the spokesperson in the commercial looks as if she can't smile all the way. Botox, plastic surgery-- these things are so unnatural. Have you ever seen someone 50+ without any signs of their age? It's creepy.

Today, Caleb and I had a date day. We went to Columbia and had a tasty lunch/dinner, walked around downtown and saw a movie. There didn't seem to be too much playing so we saw the movie Surrogates. In this movie the majority of the worlds population lives their lives through their surrogate robots. They plug themselves in and experience life from the safety of their own homes. Their surrogates are the "best versions" of themselves. They are beautiful, sexy, flawless..... Of course, the hot blonde walking down the street is being run by a fat guy that hasn't showered in two months. Okay, spoiler, although entirely predictable.... in the end surrogacy is over and you see people stepping out of their houses and apartment in their real bodies, flaws and all. It's relieving to see humans and not robots, to see them in their robes and bed-head and scruffy unshaved faces... to see their big noses, wrinkles, and oddly proportioned bodies, because there is nothing odd about it. God made us different, and beautiful and in his image.

When we start chasing after something we don't have, thinking that something is going to complete us, we'll only be left unsatisfied. Looks and possessions are superficial and temporary and we are fools when we place them higher than they are. We are fools if we think we will be satisfied by anything aside from God and the truth that he loves us, sent his Son to die for us and that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." God has made everything and to insult that, to desire these empty changes and modifications, is to insult the Creator.

All this having been said, I will confess I'm no stranger to these weaknesses. Looking in the mirror, I find myself occasionally dissatisfied. This is a mindset that I have been working on changing, and it's a matter of mastering every thought--not always the easiest task. But I am happy with who God has made me, inside and out, and I try to always remember that. I'm annoyed when a take some of the silly quizzes on Facebook, like What Famous Starlet are you?, or What is your hidden talent?, and they ask a question like what color your hair is and your options are something along the lines of sexy blonde, mysterious black, fiery red and just brown. I have straight brown hair...and I love it. I tried dying it once and I immediately dyed it back the next day. I love my brown hair, my big nose, my flat chest. This is how God made me. Just Kelly, and that is wonderful to Him. It's my prayer that others see the beauty that God has given them and not be jealous of others or think lowly of themselves, despite what the world may be telling them. After all, what is the world, but a bunch of other humans made by God, just like you.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -- Psalm 139:13-14

a good day

I'm in one of those moods where ever fiber of my being is wanting me to create, or experience, or just let/make things happen. It's been a good day.

I applied for jobs; some which I think I'd really enjoy.

I stole flowers from a friend's house.

Baked three dozen cookies, some of which are going to work with Caleb.

Tonight I'm making stuffed poblano peppers and sweet potato fries.

And at some point I hope to start a new painting.

More from Donald

"Everyone's acting like angels in the day. But they're really all red." - Donald, the bum.

Sometimes words of wisdom come from the strangest places.

Rambling....with a purpose?

I haven't updated largely because I feel very little inspiration. I have the week off of work so there is nothing that is coming in from that arena... I haven't spent a great deal of time with anyone lately (other than Caleb, of course), or at least not in any spectacular or thought provoking way. But maybe that in and of itself is enough. I am typing, aren't I? My thoughts are tangled up inside my head. Thoughts of friends and future and family. So basically just life.

I applied at the junior college for the position of Grill Cook in their Cafeteria. I'm not really sure what it is, but something inside of me is oddly excited by food. I love cooking, love creating with food and love sharing it with others. I suppose a job, even in its smallest resemblance to that, would suit me rather well. [pause]

Keep typing, Kelly. I remember when I was in high school, my creative writing teacher said that if we found ourselves in a rut, to just write or type constantly. Don't stop the words from coming out, even if all you can think to say is, uhhh, ummm, I don't know...cheese. It has helped in the past. I seem to get writer's block more often than I care to admit. It seems so easy to write at times and other times, it's the hardest thing in the world. Maybe I make it bigger than it really is. Along with food, I have a passion for writing. I always have since first grade when I wrote my first story about a lion, tiger and lamb that were friends. I know in fifth grade I wrote a 65 page story for a vocab assignment (we were supposed to make a story using the words, and most of the other students wrote a 1/2 page as was expected of them). It just kept going from there. I had my darker periods in middle school and early high school. I was a teenager that was angry...big surprise. I don't think I really found my "voice" until after I graduated. And now it seems I've been finding it again... I don't want to write anything that doesn't in some fashion serve God. There was a time in which I was primarily writing for myself. Reading those things that I wrote now, I can say quite frankly that they were selfish and arrogant. Arrogant because I prided myself on my self reflective abilities with the written word. But it was all so pointless. I would write about feelings or myself, but it would all be so cyclical and rarely pointed to anything greater than my own good. As I've grown in my relationship with God I've realized that my own good is dirt. How can anyone be good, right? Since realizing the fullness of the gospel and where I fit in it, I've had a frequent, paralyzing writer's block that I am okay with for the most part. It keeps me grounded. I've realized that I could spend so much time writing for myself or writing to impress, writing to be remembered, or writing to invoke thought, but it would all be in vain if my time and energy and thought invoking wasn't in some way pointing to God, praising Him. It's easy to forget God's righteousness when you can't look past your own. When all you can see is yourself, your desires, your ambitions, you become blinded to the bigger things God has in store for you. You could exhaust yourself trying to be talented, or unique, or interesting, but in the end you'll just find you've been walking in circles, patting yourself on the back, going nowhere and proud of nothing. I want to be moving forward, focusing on Christ and what his life meant, God and His greater purpose, forgetting myself because I am his servant, forgetting the futile, pointless, pretentious desires that lie within my human nature, because God has given me a greater task, a lasting purpose, and a gift I'd be foolish to forget. That is the only reason I have to write.

well...those are my thoughts. That's what comes from a bit of rambling. My head is still a bit tangled but I'll save those thoughts for another day.

Sufferagettes and Thoughts

Today, Karl handed me a folder and said, "Read this. You'll either laugh or get angry." The folder was full of articles from a certain journalist known for his feisty and often argumentative nature, and all were regarding the women's rights movements. It was interesting, if not slightly amusing to read his early statements of, "if women want to vote, then they should vote. But as it stands, they don't want to vote." As the movement strengthened, he seemed to no longer think they should vote if they wanted to, but rather trust in the gallantry of men to lead and be good and sensible staying indoors away from the poll booths. I found all of what I read interesting and some of it humorous ("I'm sure our enemies will tremble with fear when they hear the name of President Gertie and Governor Lulie..."), but as I was reading I thought of how the argument must have been in those days. There was mention of Susan B. Anthony speaking in one of the opera houses, crowds of people in attendance, with sound arguments for why women should vote (mostly that if a woman does not have a husband, if she is to earn her own bread, she should be able to vote). There were still threads of people trying to hold on to the idea of a Christian nation and the idea of woman picking the leaders was a warning flag for women leadership. Unfortunately, the gallantry of men, so far fallen, could only carry us so far. This thought is striking to me because we do not live in a Christian nation. We live in a land full of faulty humans (just like everywhere else), and in a nation that is not focused on Christ, really anything goes. This is not to say that women voting is wrong, not by any means (though feminism is ridiculous), but it makes me wonder what it would be like if everyone made decisions based on Christ, if women followed their husband's lead, and men loved their wives like Christ loved the church and took action out of their best interest. And really this is idealism talking...we live in a very broken world, so much so that even our churches don't resemble this sort of basic principle and it seems that for every step we take we take two steps back. This issue was intense in its day and it makes sense why... we are all in incredible darkness, bumping into things and trying to do the best we can without turning on the lights. It goes back to selfishness. It goes back to pride. It goes back to acting on one's own self-interest and thinking we can do anything without having to yield to God's will. We really like to run our own show...so it's no wonder why this country is where it is...this world.

Well, after I read the articles and was getting things in order to leave for the day, Donald came in. He said 'hi' to Karl and said, "Everyone's dying out there. Lots of people are dying. We gotta go back to the good ol' ways, like the Seventh Day Adventists and get everyone saved." Then he walked out the door.

Perspectives

The day has been that of, oh, I don't know...too many emotions. They seem to overwhelm and take presidence in my observation of things. I'm good at going off of gut instinct, feeling out situations, and knowing what seems right at the time. But maybe this isn't always right. These feelings can be deceiving. Sometimes they take over and blind me to the point where I can't see what is truth. Just because I feel it...doesn't mean it's right. I put logic on a back burner and forget about it, only seeing two inches in front of my face. Well maybe just because I feel sad about a situation, the truth of the matter is there's no reason to feel sad. Or just because I feel frustrated about something, I'm really only hurting myself. I'm chosing to surround myself in that cloud... Emotions can be so masochistic, don't you think? I do, anyway. Hopefully I remember this before I let my feelings run away with me again.

Scrumptious muffins and a new favorite ingredient

I don't usually follow recipes. I know flavors enough to know what goes well with certain things, and I know what tastes I prefer. Today I divulged in my culinary craftiness and made my favorite salsa concoction and banana muffins with chocolate chips AND a new favorite ingredient: cinnamon chips. They are divine. If you can find them in your local grocery store, I strongly recommend using them. Hershey makes them so there's a good chance you can find them.
Well, I am a strong advocate for sharing good things with others. So, on to the recipe:

Banana Chocolate/Cinnamon Chip Muffins
3 very ripe bananas
1/2 to 3/4 cup sugar (the more ripe the banana, the less sugar you'll need. Also, I used Splenda)
1 large egg
1/2 cup applesauce
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
1/2 cup cinnamon chips
(or more chips if you fancy!)

Preheat oven to 350.
In a good-sized mixing bowl, mix and mash bananas, applesauce, sugar, and vanilla until well blended. Beat in egg to mixture. Gradually mix in dry ingredients and chips until well mixed. Place in a greased muffin pan (any muffin pan will do, I used a jumbo one). I sprinkled some quick oats on top. Bake for 30-45 min (if using a mini muffin pan, check earlier; they may be quicker). Check with a toothpick to see if they are done (although you may get chip residue on it). Enjoy!

Heaven's in the Sun

For some time now I have been curious as to the lives lived by the aged. This comes from working at the local historical society, a place occupied with more old people than my fingers. Not to mention the tasks I'm presented with are that of recording the headlines of the local news as far back as the Civil War. As I'm shuffling through the articles and reading the names and places of a time passed, I am struck by the simple realization that this is not fiction. Marriages, deaths, local crime, politics, slavery, buildings being build, roads being paved, the coming of the automobile (refered to as the "devil wagon")--these are all topics that surround me as I type from 9 til noon. This all happened. So, when I come across a headline such as "Slave woman kills two children, commits suicide", I can't help but wonder what sort of hell her life must have been.

It's easy when I'm in this train of thought, to apply it to the people that I see around me. Today a man came into the Society that I had seen a few times before. I previously had assumed he was a bum, a title I'm still not sure should be dismissed. But, today I learned his name is Donald. Before, he would come into the Society, say 'hello' to my boss, Karl, and then be on his way. I'd also occasionally see him strolling the downtown streets, surveying the gutters for long cigarette butts that were still slightly smokable or darting into Funny Pages Cafe to use their restrooms. Today, however, it seemed he wanted a little conversation. Instead of a greeting and a goodbye, he decided to divulge in a spiritual rambling that left all but Karl confused.

"King of Lord of Lords! Right?! And don't you forget it. I know it...I know it." Karl would reply with a "Yep."

Donald continued, "Heaven's in the sun.... I've been there. I can take you up there and bring you back right quick if you want!"

Karl laughed kindly, "No, that's alright."

Donald turned and left, saying, "I've been there...in the sun...", as he walked out the door. I must have been making my crinkled-brow, deep-thought, utterly-confused face, because Karl strolled over and explained to me that Donald used to be a smart man. Really smart. Some years back he was in a horrible car accident that left him with brain damage. He claims now that he went to heaven in the sun and came back and he spends his days looking at books about stars at the library and walks around downtown.

I would have discounted his ramblings for a life of drugs, which, when you live in a city known as 'the meth capitol of Missouri,' you can't really blame me. But coming across this picture of Donald's life I wonder....what about Karl's life? What about Ralph's life? or Doris'? or Cecy's? I wonder what the headlines of their experiences would read and I know there are more than what meets the eye. Did Donald have aspirations of running a business? Did he have a serious romance? A person is more than that surface and few words they present to the world. Sometimes that thought amazes me, and when you get to the heart of a person, you see where their heart resides. Hmm. That's even more powerful that the headlines that make their story...

flushed with thoughts. now to get them out.