Rambling....with a purpose?

I haven't updated largely because I feel very little inspiration. I have the week off of work so there is nothing that is coming in from that arena... I haven't spent a great deal of time with anyone lately (other than Caleb, of course), or at least not in any spectacular or thought provoking way. But maybe that in and of itself is enough. I am typing, aren't I? My thoughts are tangled up inside my head. Thoughts of friends and future and family. So basically just life.

I applied at the junior college for the position of Grill Cook in their Cafeteria. I'm not really sure what it is, but something inside of me is oddly excited by food. I love cooking, love creating with food and love sharing it with others. I suppose a job, even in its smallest resemblance to that, would suit me rather well. [pause]

Keep typing, Kelly. I remember when I was in high school, my creative writing teacher said that if we found ourselves in a rut, to just write or type constantly. Don't stop the words from coming out, even if all you can think to say is, uhhh, ummm, I don't know...cheese. It has helped in the past. I seem to get writer's block more often than I care to admit. It seems so easy to write at times and other times, it's the hardest thing in the world. Maybe I make it bigger than it really is. Along with food, I have a passion for writing. I always have since first grade when I wrote my first story about a lion, tiger and lamb that were friends. I know in fifth grade I wrote a 65 page story for a vocab assignment (we were supposed to make a story using the words, and most of the other students wrote a 1/2 page as was expected of them). It just kept going from there. I had my darker periods in middle school and early high school. I was a teenager that was angry...big surprise. I don't think I really found my "voice" until after I graduated. And now it seems I've been finding it again... I don't want to write anything that doesn't in some fashion serve God. There was a time in which I was primarily writing for myself. Reading those things that I wrote now, I can say quite frankly that they were selfish and arrogant. Arrogant because I prided myself on my self reflective abilities with the written word. But it was all so pointless. I would write about feelings or myself, but it would all be so cyclical and rarely pointed to anything greater than my own good. As I've grown in my relationship with God I've realized that my own good is dirt. How can anyone be good, right? Since realizing the fullness of the gospel and where I fit in it, I've had a frequent, paralyzing writer's block that I am okay with for the most part. It keeps me grounded. I've realized that I could spend so much time writing for myself or writing to impress, writing to be remembered, or writing to invoke thought, but it would all be in vain if my time and energy and thought invoking wasn't in some way pointing to God, praising Him. It's easy to forget God's righteousness when you can't look past your own. When all you can see is yourself, your desires, your ambitions, you become blinded to the bigger things God has in store for you. You could exhaust yourself trying to be talented, or unique, or interesting, but in the end you'll just find you've been walking in circles, patting yourself on the back, going nowhere and proud of nothing. I want to be moving forward, focusing on Christ and what his life meant, God and His greater purpose, forgetting myself because I am his servant, forgetting the futile, pointless, pretentious desires that lie within my human nature, because God has given me a greater task, a lasting purpose, and a gift I'd be foolish to forget. That is the only reason I have to write.

well...those are my thoughts. That's what comes from a bit of rambling. My head is still a bit tangled but I'll save those thoughts for another day.